Warning: if you are sensitive to kind of inappropriate jokes related to premature birth, go away.

For today’s rosé purchase I spotted a wine I didn’t want to buy but couldn’t resist: the first 2009 on the shelf. Why you ask did I not want to buy it? The label. You see, I’m a bit of a label snob and find that many affordable (read: cheap) French wines have labels so god awful it’s almost painful to look at them. Bad labels are not encouraging for perspective impulse shoppers. However, the fact that it was a 2009 vintage beat out the fact that the label made me want to barf, beat up an old lady, and burn down French country homes all at the same time. The label is predominantly white and pink with the quintessential French chateau beautifully perched over a river with an ancient bridge crossing it. Below that is a horrendous lineup of a pink roses. At the bottom of the label is the wine makers name set in gold over a bright pink strip. It’s the kind of label you would find framed at goodwill. It’s the kind of label that looks like a terrible prom corsage mistake. It’s the kind of label that makes me wonder why France is even a country.

Label aside, I purchased this 2009 Cabernet d’Anjou from Les Maitres Goustiers (the name itself should have made me steer clear, damn). I’ve never had a vin de primeur rosé, and probably not even a non Beaujolais vin de primeur.  For those of you who don’t understand my fancy French wine lexicon a vin de primeur is essentially the French term for premature wine. It’s kind of like giving birth to a 6 month old (or in this wine’s case a 3 month old): they can survive but it’s not really a good idea and it’s generally just better to wait for proper gestation. So I didn’t expect much from my rosé, but was willing to give this preemie a try. However, it wasn’t until I returned home that I noticed it was only 11.5% alcohol. You see, in the world of wine 11.5% just isn’t a good sign (for me at least, I like alcohol!) with a few exceptions. 11.5% tells me under ripe grapes or more likely residual sugar, neither of which I want unless I’m intentionally seeking it out. And that’s when I knew it, I’d just bought a slightly sweet rosé. Turns out had my wine geekdom been a little more fine tuned I would have known that Cabernet d’Anjou is a sweeter rosé style. Damn Loire valley and all their sweet wines. Nothing is wrong with a little residual sugar, but when you’re expecting dry and sassy, sweet and pretty are not really welcome characteristics.

So how did this 2009 youngin’ do? Well, let’s just say if I were a 16 year old girl and wanted to get drunk this would be perfect. In fact, I may give this to some of my sophomore students and encourage them to mix it with sparkling water: it would make a delicious wine spritzer. (This is a joke. I would never encourage a minor to drink. Even though they do anyways.) What I might do is save the bottle until I have sparkling water myself and make my own afternoon teenage aperitif.  I must clarify that the wine is not terrible, but my problem with it can be explained by the same reason I drink martinis instead of lemon drops: I just don’t like sugary booze.  (Unless I’m intentionally pairing it with something. Or it’s a ridiculously priced Alsace wine that you can’t help but swoon over. And tawny port and chocolate cake will never lose a special place in my heart. But back to my point…) So the wine is sweet. Not too sweet, but sweet. Its color is a pretty rose pink with salmon tinges. The nose is reminiscent of raspberries and lychees with a touch of nice limestone minerality. The mouth is, as I’ve mentioned, sweet but not by any means cloying. If you’re a wine nut (or German) think halbtrocken and you’ll be about there. It has a mouth coating richness and a nice acid backbone to balance out the sugar. It’s actually decent, but falls flat. Good wine sings in my mouth, and this wine just babbles. However, it would be much improved by a nice spicy meal. Maybe I’ll go eat a jalapeno.

For this wine I give you two pairing options:

1. The 16 year old

Music: whatever the kids are into these days

Food: none. 16 year old girls don’t eat. Mix it with bubbly water and drink until you giggle.

2. The Food Savvy Hipster

Music: Deerhoof

Food: Thai or Chinese food that is spicy enough to make your eyes water and authentic enough to not be entirely certain what you’re eating.